This month has been full of difficult (first world) choices. I’ve had to reassess my school ambitions, be open to criticism (constructive or other), accept change, and let go of some things that are important to me in order to keep myself emotionally and physically healthy. I also lost a dear co-worker this week. Hard month and dealing with stuff, yuck.
One thing I’ve had to do is completely rearrange my fall schedule. My hope was to be a teaching associate by next semester but this will have to be put on hold until fall 2016. Attending graduate school is my main priority though it feels like my financial insecurity won’t allow me to take on more student loan debit to be a full-time student. Instead I’m working full-time to dance and go to graduate school. By giving up the teaching associate position, I will have to take another class that I’m not particularly psyched about taking. I’ll do it but it doesn’t mean I have to pretend to enjoy it. Here is something that is totally new to me; graduate advisors or college advisors in general. In a very crazy way, I finished my undergraduate degree with no counseling whatsoever. It showed at the end of my last term when I didn’t get a diploma in the mail but a letter saying I had to take another dance class in order to obtain full credit for my diploma. I’m so grateful for the graduate advisor I have now. She and I have talked three times this summer. I really feel supported by the faculty already and I haven’t even taken a class yet!
Thing Two: I had to give up two dance workshops I was enrolled in this summer. This broke my heart at first. Yes, I’ve gotten over it however little the upset might have been. They were a Contemporary workshop and ASL Jazz Dance workshop. When offered a position in the dance company and accepting, I was committing to two nights a week for intense rehearsals. There are other things that have to come before everything else in order for me to do anything in my life; my spiritual practice. My life guru (life advisor or Yoda) had to lay down some truths about how my spiritual practice was going by the way side and how I needed to make more time for it. I realized I had no time set aside for this connection I need in order to be the best me. So the Friday night contemporary class was the first to go followed by the jazz workshop due to the long hours per day I was committing to participate.
Criticism. I mean, yeah, not fun. I’ve been standing next to the choreographer at company rehearsals to get a better view of his movements and mimic him the best I can. The closer you are to the instructor the closer you are to their vision, and closer you are to the instructor the more you’re corrected. This is just science. However many times I try to remind myself that this is the only way I’ll get better, it still feels pretty crappy to get corrected more than the other dancers. I will not pull to the back just yet. I still have a lot to learn and dance is still saving me. I look forward to rehearsals and getting into my body. When I’m in my body I’m safe and powerful and free.
The last part of this month’s journey was accepting change and grief. With my co-worker passing away, everything will change in the dynamics with this particular part of my job. I’m going to miss her emails and her phone calls. I will miss her bright beautiful smile and caring nature.
The month has help me appreciate my life. I’m still gratefully happy and dancing. This video has been my source of inspiration this month and I’d like to share it with you. Enjoy.